Whether you are going from one to two kids or three to four kids, adding a new sibling into the mix can be difficult, not just for parents but for the siblings as well. Most older children will take steps backwards in their development and this is completely normal. This is often a sign that the child is stressed about their situation and possibly unsure of their place within the family unit. What is a parent to do?
First, What Not to Do
Before we get to what you can do as parents to help your older children, let’s talk about a few things not to do. It can be very tempting to loosen up on expectations and overindulge an older child during this phase. It is very common for parents to feel guilty about disrupting their child’s environment and want to make up for this by giving lots of gifts or treats. It’s also very likely that you as a new parent will be too exhausted to work through the older kids’ tantrums every time single time they happen.
Parents need to be careful to remain consistent and keep the same rules and expectations in the home that were in place before the new baby was born. When a parent makes big changes to limits and rules within the house, kids feel that the parent doesn’t think they can deal with everything going on and that they need special expectations. It also shows the child that the parent thinks they deserve to have special treatment, which can lead to even more demanding behavior in the future.
Another tip is that it is important not to blame the new baby for everything. For example, don’t say, “We can’t go to the park because the baby is sleeping” or “Be quiet, you’ll wake the baby.” Instead, take the focus off the baby and say, “we’ll go after lunch” or “my hands are busy.” Using alternative reasons you are not able to meet the older siblings’ needs in that moment will curb their feelings of jealousy and resentment towards the new baby.
What to Do When Adjusting to a New Sibling
Now let’s talk about what a parent can do. It will take a little more work on your end as the parent, but there are proactive things you can do to help siblings adjust to the newest family addition.
- Give them special jobs (ex: pick out clothes for the baby, get a clean diaper ready)
- Ask their advice on things that are specific to the baby (ex: What book should we read to the baby?)
- Read books with them about their new role as big siblings
- Acknowledge and talk about their feelings
- Spend time alone with them when able (even if it’s just 15 minutes of uninterrupted time each day)
- Don’t immediately force sibling bonding until the older child is ready
- Don’t make everything about the new baby (ex: take pictures of the siblings when taking pictures of the baby as well)
- Teach your older children “soft touches” (gently touching your baby) and praise them for a job well done
- Give more hugs and say “I love you” often
- Keep your “normal” routine as much as possible
Remember, every child is unique, and every child will react differently to a new sibling. There is no right or wrong way to react to a new sibling so give yourself and your child grace and lots of love as you work through any feelings and behaviors that come up.
Our Family Support Navigation team is here to support you in any way we can so please reach out! We would love to brainstorm some ideas that might work for your family if you find yourself introducing and adjusting to a new baby in the home. Email us at navigation@familyfutures.net to speak with us.
