As adults, we have had years to learn and practice ways to calm our bodies when we feel upset, sad, overwhelmed, or overstimulated. The little ones in our lives come to us with little to no coping skills which can make these early years difficult! As babies, we would cry to get our caregivers attention and would possibly use a snuggly blanket/toy or suck on a thumb or pacifier as ways to soothe ourselves when big feelings came around.
While some of these techniques work past those baby months, most toddlers and young kids start to learn new, more mature ways to calm their bodies. This can be a difficult task and kids will look to the adults in their lives to help them not only learn these skills but put them to use.
Here are some ideas you can do when you see your child begin to work through or respond to big feelings. Remember that every child is different so teaching a toddler how to self-soothe will depend on their personality. Try different things and see what works best!
Model Calm Behavior
When something goes wrong, what is your response? Do you immediately yell and get angry, or can you rein it in and respond as calmly as possible (“Oh rats, I spilled my drink all over the floor. Guess that happens sometimes. I’ll just have to pick it up?”). Your child will pick up on what you show them so if you respond with anger, more than likely your child will learn to do the same.
Breathe
This is a powerful and useful skill to teach any child! Breathing exercises are the quickest and most efficient way to lower the body’s stress response. You can try belly breathing: put your hands on your stomach and take a big breath. Watch and feel as your belly gets bigger as you breathe air in and gets smaller as you let the air go. Some of our favorite television characters, like Daniel Tiger and Elmo, have episodes on belly breathing. Most can be found for free on YouTube. Click here for a video of Elmo teaching us how to belly breathe.
Heart Hug
Sit on the floor and scoop your child up and place them in your lap (if you are physically able and the child is not being physically aggressive). Place their head on your chest so they can hear your heartbeat. Calmly ask them to listen for your heartbeat. Once they hear it, ask them to count each beat they hear. This will soothe their nervous system and will shift focus onto something else while their body calms down.
Get Outside
If possible, try to get outside when you see your child start to get worked up. Feel the sunshine on your face, listen for birds, breathe some fresh air, and just enjoy being in nature. It can work wonders!
Do Something with Water
Take a drink of cold water, wash your hands and let your body feel the bubbles and water falling onto your hands, take a bath if time allows, hold an ice cube for a few minutes.
Use a ‘Calm Down Jar’ or a Sensory Bottle
These are very easy to make, and directions can easily be found online. These jars and bottles allow kids to focus on something other than their feelings and allows them to refocus. Click here for sensory bottle ideas!
Final Tips
Once the initial big feeling has passed, take the time to get on your child’s level, make eye contact with them, and ask them what is bothering them. Give them the language to identify their feelings and support them by telling them they are allowed to feel anything that may come up. If your child tends to become physically aggressive, remind them they can feel their feelings, but it is not safe to hurt anyone or anything.
Reassure your child that you will not allow the child to do anything destructive. You can try, “I will not let you hurt anyone or anything and I will help you calm down when you feel that angry.” The more your child practices calming themselves down and talking through big feelings, the easier it will become for them to regulate and manage their own emotions.
As always, reach out to a Family Support Navigator with any questions or concerns at navigation@familyfutures.org or contact us on our website. We would love to help you find some calming techniques that work for you and your family!
