You have just learned that your best friend, sister-in-law, or new next-door neighbor is expecting a child the same time you are. You are excited that both of you will be sharing these amazing events because shared experiences can be very supportive. Weight gain, how much they eat, how long they sleep, when they roll over, and every developmental milestone that follows can be shared. We must be careful comparisons don’t lead to judgments about one baby being “better” or “ahead” of another baby. Of course, we don’t intend to make these judgments. But our society places so much emphasis on being “number one,” or “coming out ahead,” or “winning” that we rarely realize we are doing it. We tend to think that someone who does something first is “better,” or “smarter,” than someone who does it later. We store these ideas in our subconscious.
The Effects of Comparing Your Child
When this happens, we often fail to recognize achievements in other areas that are not on our radar. Babies are not aware they are being compared. So they’re not likely to be affected if such comparisons end at their first birthday. Some parents who are really focused on comparing and competing don’t stop there. If anything, their comparisons increase as their child grows and they proclaim them loudly. They also tend to single out certain areas of performance as most important. They fail to recognize all the skills their child has. Every individual has a unique combination of abilities, no one is equally good at everything. Failing to see each child’s talents and abilities and focusing on only one skill which they constantly compare to others’ is completely unfair to their child.
The Need to Perform
Such comparisons damage the developing child’s sense of competency; instead of feeling good about her abilities, efforts, and accomplishments. She receives the message that her “performance” is not as good as someone else’s. Children raised with constant comparisons, especially when compared with siblings’ performances, develop a sense of feeling like failures, or disappointments in their parents’ eyes. Eventually, many of them give up and refuse to try any more.
Most parents who compare their children with others genuinely believe this will motivate their children to improve, but nothing could be further from the truth! Such children feel unloved, unappreciated as a person, and invisible; they believe they must earn their parents’ love by performing. Since they are always compared and never congratulated, they believe they can’t, and therefore they feel unloved. When they are compared with their siblings, some children begin to resent their siblings. This can lead to lifetime disruptions in family relationships.
Stop the Comparisons
If you see yourself in any of these actions—even in a small way—please stop immediately and apologize to your child. Assure your child you love them for who they are, and they don’t have to earn your love. Tell your child you thought you were helping them, and you now realize how very wrong you were.
As always, reach out to a Family Support Navigator with any questions or concerns at navigation@familyfutures.org or contact us on our website. We would love to help you and your family! You’ve got this, parents!
