By: Sandy Portko
Edited by: Kristina Humbarger
The transition from life inside the mother’s body to life outside it is a major shift that requires real effort from the baby. Within minutes of birth, the newborn must adapt their breathing, sucking, and swallowing. They also face the discomforts of hunger, sudden changes in temperature, unfamiliar sensations from clothing, and the challenge of maintaining internal body temperature. No wonder most babies cry at birth!
Close physical contact with a warm, calm, nurturing adult during these early days helps the infant begin regulating their own physiological systems. This happens because babies naturally synchronize their bodily rhythms with those of the adult. In the first few weeks of life, babies often sleep better when they’re being held—not because they’re “spoiled,” but because it’s easier for them to regulate when they can tune in to the adult’s calm, steady presence.
The same principle applies to emotional regulation. Infants and children learn how to manage big feelings because the adults around them help them recognize different emotional states, reduce the physical stress they’re feeling, and gradually guide them toward healthy ways to manage it on their own. This is a long-term process. Laying the foundation is one of the key developmental tasks of early childhood, especially during the toddler and preschool years. Emotional regulation is a lifelong skill, and even well-adjusted adults are always working on it. When adults respond to children with calm, consistent, and supportive guidance, they’re helping kids learn to manage emotions, behavior, and stress. This is exactly what we’re diving into—co-regulation.
Helping children build these skills starts with emotionally regulated adults. The best way to help an upset toddler or preschooler settle down is often to hold them, sway gently, or speak in a soft, soothing voice. Kids know when they’re overwhelmed and out of control, and that feeling can be frightening. An angry or frustrated adult can’t help a child regulate—in fact, they often escalate the situation. Instead, a calm adult can be an anchor. An older child, for example, might respond well to sitting close to an adult who breathes deeply with them until their nervous system calms down. Once the child is calm and able to listen, that’s the time to talk and explore solutions together.
Not every emotional outburst needs a fix. Sometimes, the child simply needs to feel heard and understood. Take the common example of a child crying because it’s time to leave the park. Even if they’ve had a great time, the transition away from something enjoyable can trigger resistance and frustration. Too often, this ends with a scolding or a physical tug away from the fun, leaving both child and adult upset. A co-regulation approach would sound more like this:
“I know you don’t want to leave right now. You were having so much fun! I’d like to stay longer too and watch you play. But it’s time to go because (insert reason). When we get home, we can look at the calendar and find another day to come back. You can color that day any way you want so we don’t forget.”
If you can, offer a favorite activity for later that day, or talk about what the child just enjoyed at the park. These small moments of connection can make a big difference. They help the child feel seen, respected, and valued—not just for what they do, but for who they are.
Of course, no parent or caregiver gets it right all the time. The parent who can respond perfectly 100 percent of the time? They haven’t been born yet—and probably never will be! When you slip up, just apologize. Even toddlers can understand a simple, sincere “I’m sorry” and appreciate the chance to reconnect. That’s emotional regulation too. And those little repair moments? They help keep the relationship strong.
