Lately, there’s been some pushback on gentle parenting. I wonder if part of the reason is that we’ve started to confuse gentle parenting with permissive parenting. Gentle parenting doesn’t mean letting children dictate everything in our lives or avoiding boundaries altogether. In fact, boundaries are a critical part of the approach.
What Are Boundaries?
Dr. Becky Kennedy describes a boundary as something you will do. It doesn’t require your child to do anything. Instead, it describes the action you will take to keep everyone safe or uphold a limit.
For example:
- “If the TV isn’t off by the time I get there, I will turn it off because screen time is over.”
- “We don’t stand on chairs. If you’re not down by the time I get there, I will help you down.”
- “I will not let you hit your sister.” (While moving close enough to stop the hit.)
The key is to act calmly, clearly, and confidently. Boundaries work best when we follow through before we’re angry—not after we’ve repeated ourselves ten times.
Why Are Boundaries Important?
When we set boundaries, we’re creating a safe container for our children to learn, explore, and grow. Boundaries communicate, “I’ve got this. You don’t have to figure everything out on your own.”
Dr. Becky often talks about being a sturdy leader. Children don’t actually want to be in charge. They may protest limits, but they feel safest when they know an adult is willing to make hard decisions.
Think about being on an airplane. Imagine the pilot receives information that the plane needs to change course and make an emergency landing. The passengers complain because they want to reach their destination.
What if the pilot responded, “Okay, I don’t want you to be upset with me, so let’s keep going”?
That wouldn’t feel reassuring. We’d want the pilot to use their judgment, even if passengers didn’t like the decision.
Parenting is similar. Our children won’t always agree with our limits, but they need to know we’re willing to make decisions that prioritize safety, health, and well-being.
When we hold boundaries, we’re communicating:
- “I will keep you safe.”
- “I can handle your big feelings.”
- “I won’t let things get out of control.”
- “I’ve got this.”
How to Set Boundaries:
A boundary is not something we repeatedly tell our child to do. It’s something we are prepared to do ourselves.
| Situation | Instead of This | Try This |
| Jumping on the couch | “Stop jumping on the couch!” | “I won’t let you jump on the couch. If you’re still jumping when I get there, I will help you off.” |
| Elevator buttons | “Don’t press all the buttons!” | (Move between your child and the buttons.) “I won’t let you press the buttons.” |
| Hitting | “We don’t hit!” | (Gently block or hold hands.) “I won’t let you hit.” |
| TV time is over | “Turn it off. I said turn it off!” | “If the TV isn’t off by the time I get there, I will turn it off.” |
Notice that each boundary includes action. We aren’t waiting for our child to cooperate before taking responsibility for the limit.
What Happens After the Boundary?
Your child will not thank you for setting boundaries. They WILL protest. So, be ready for the meltdowns! And this is where the magic happens.
A child having big feelings about a boundary does not mean the boundary was wrong. In fact, it often means the boundary was needed.
Your job is not to stop the feelings. Your job is to stay steady while the feelings happen.
Children want to know that their emotions make sense and that they aren’t too much for us. When we stay calm and connected during a meltdown, we send a powerful message:
“Your feelings are real, and I can handle them.”
When we stay present through their disappointment, frustration, anger, or sadness, we strengthen our connection with them. Over time, children learn that even when they’re having a hard time, they’re still loved and accepted. They begin to trust that their big feelings won’t push us away.
In those moments, children are learning:
- “My parents can handle my feelings.”
- “I’m still loved, even when I’m upset.”
- “I don’t have to hide my emotions.”
- “My feelings aren’t dangerous.”
This is why boundaries and connection go hand in hand. We hold the limit, and we stay close through the feelings that follow.
Over time, children borrow our calm and learn regulation through repeated experiences of co-regulation.
What to Do When They Protest
- Hold the boundary.
- Validate the feeling.
- Stay present.
Examples:
- “You’re really disappointed.”
- “You wish I would say yes.”
- “You’re so mad that couch jumping is not an option.”
- “That feels unfair.”
Notice that validation is not the same as changing the boundary. You can understand the feeling while still holding the limit.
Sometimes, after the child begins to calm down, you can help them find another way to meet the need:
- Jump on floor pillows.
- Push against a wall.
- Stomp your feet.
- Squeeze a pillow.
- Take giant dinosaur steps.
A Quick Boundary Formula
- Hold the limit: “I won’t let you…”
- See the wish: “You really wish you could…”
- Stay connected through the feelings.
Sometimes there will be an alternative. Sometimes there won’t. The goal isn’t to make the child happy—it’s to help them feel safe while holding the boundary.
A Real-Life Example
Your child is jumping on the couch.
You: “I won’t let you jump on the couch. If you’re still jumping when I get there, I will help you off.”
Child: “No! I want to jump!” (Child keeps jumping.)
You: Calmly walk over and help your child off the couch.
Child: Cries, yells, or protests.
You: “You really want to jump. You’re so mad that I stopped you.”
Child: Continues crying.
You: Stay nearby and remain calm.
After your child begins to settle:
You: “Your body really wants to jump. Let’s find a safe place to do that. Should we jump on pillows or make a jumping path on the floor?”
The boundary stays the same. The connection stays the same. That’s the heart of sturdy parenting.
More info about boundaries from Dr. Becky Kennedy:
- Here’s a short video of Dr. Becky Kennedy explaining what boundaries are: https://www.instagram.com/reel/C7KsOy3hBVz/?hl=en
- How to Set Boundaries With Kids | Dr. Becky Kennedy & Dr. Andrew Huberman: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmhvFzqX_Ic
- Becky Kennedy on the pilot analogy: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/6gNM89Fv84k
