“Comparison is the thief of joy.” We’ve all heard this quote, right? Maybe you remind yourself of it while you’re scrolling through social media and eye your friend’s perfect photos of their kids’ first day of school. New clothes, perfectly combed hair, a sign sharing what they want to be when they grow up…and you think back to your own morning getting your own children ready for school. Maybe there was a tantrum, maybe you were late, maybe they refused to wear matching clothes, maybe you compare yourself to that parent and think of the ways you didn’t quite measure up. Then, that proud moment of watching your little one march into school is suddenly replaced by guilt or shame or some other icky feeling. All because of a silly comparison. This is unhelpful and dumb and we should stop doing it. I know I need to.
I became a mom in 2017 to a little girl we named Pearl. Pearl was born 12 ridiculous weeks early with a birth defect called spina bifida which is basically a hole in her back. The nerves that stimulate her lower body were damaged and she has challenges with her bowel, bladder, balance, sensation, and walking. Pearl will have this diagnosis her whole life and will need to do regular activities of daily living differently.
For example, Pearl used a wheelchair, then a walker, then ankle braces to learn how to walk. She walked independently around age three. She cannot empty her bowel or bladder independently and relies on the use of catheters and enemas. Pearl had a shunt placed in her brain at eight months old to drain away excess cerebrospinal fluid, bladder stones removed a few months ago, and we foresee many other surgeries down the road for “routine maintenance.” Receiving this diagnosis as a 20-week pregnant 27-year-old with her first child was life changing. I think any parent receiving news that their child will have severe medical needs and face adversity is pretty life changing.
That first year of Pearl’s life was very challenging. My husband Scott and I were pushed to our limits several times. We basically moved to Ann Arbor to be close to Mott Children’s Hospital, lived with a family member and at a Ronald McDonald House, worried a lot, I underwent an in-utero surgery at 24 weeks pregnant to close the hole in Pearl’s back and then was put on bedrest until her birth. After things settled down a bit and we finally took her home after 54 days in the NICU, we traveled back to Ann Arbor at least once a month for follow-up care. Special milk fortifiers to encourage good growth (that were literally impossible to find), physical therapy, assessments, doctor appointments, follow ups with specialists, trying to find a daycare….so. many. appointments.
I was overjoyed to have my baby home but also so very overwhelmed. Throw in some sleep deprivation and you got yourself a stressed-out mama. Pearl did grow though. She got stronger. She rolled over, she sat up, she babbled. But everything seemed to happen in slow motion. The children her age were already walking and she was just learning how to sit up. It hurt my heart seeing her struggle, yet I was also so grateful she was alive after all we had been through. Complicated emotions to be so thankful but also want so much more.
I want to fast forward five years though…Pearl just turned five and wanted “Blippi Cupcakes” and a “Minnie Mouse Laptop with apps” for her birthday. She loves going fishing with her dad, dancing, puzzles, playing with friends and cousins, and all things slime. Pearl is truly hilarious. She has the best giggle, asks A LOT of questions, and is an extremely affectionate and loyal little girl. She tends to steal the hearts of everyone she meets and to say I am proud to be her mother would be an enormous understatement.
In 2020, Scott and I welcomed a second baby girl to our family – June. Despite the wild parenting ride we had been on, we knew it was important to be brave and continue to grow our family. Giving Pearl a sibling was very important to us, and this is where I want to talk about comparison. It’s pretty normal for women to compare their pregnancies and birth stories and overall experiences of raising multiple children, right? Wow. Talk about a night and day difference between Pearl and June. Everything about this time around was vastly different. I struggled with guilt. What was I thinking having another child when I was so busy with one I already had? At this time Pearl had zero interest in walking. How was I going to carry two babies? I kept repeating that in my head. What was I thinking?
The big day came for our 20-week anatomy scan. This was when we received Pearl’s diagnosis after they saw the opening in her spine on the ultrasound. I was a basket case. So many memories came flooding back. What could have been a moment of excitement and joy shared with my husband over the first peak of our second child, quickly became a series of flashbacks, fear, grief, and anger. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t see through all the tears. Why was this baby healthy? Why will this baby’s life be easy, and Pearl’s will not be? I felt so protective of Pearl and so annoyed with the ultrasound tech telling me I had a “healthy baby.” I felt guilty that I didn’t feel happier.
June’s birth was a scheduled C-section and it went exactly as planned. She was healthy and has since hit all her milestones ahead of schedule.
So, my two girls could not be more different. June is large for her age and extremely athletic. Pearl is very small for her age and cannot climb stairs by herself. What comes so naturally for June came at tremendous costs for Pearl.
I remember the day June took her first steps. It just happened. She was playing and tottled on over to the toys laughing and smiling. It just happened. I remember just being wowed. I sat there in silent thought. Thrilled for my daughter, proud of her, couldn’t wait to tell Scott. But also, a slight feeling of “WTF?!” It makes me laugh now…thinking, “wait I didn’t have to go to physical therapy once a week for this? Or get her casted for braces? Or pray desperately for a miracle?” It. Just. Happened. What is this life? I could give countless examples of moments like this where Scott and I have looked at each other after June has done something and exchanged a quiet smile that has novels of pain and pride wrapped up into one weird emotion. Parenting, amirite?
Lately I have tried to become more conscious of not letting comparison steal my joy, especially as I prepare to welcome a third child into the world soon. It is good and normal and healthy to be happy for June’s accomplishments. And it is good and normal and healthy to be happy for Pearl’s accomplishments. Although they look vastly different and come at different times, these two daughters of mine are doing great things in their separate lives. When Pearl opens a granola bar wrapper by herself without asking for help, I want to dance on the ceiling I am so happy! And when June rides her bike off the porch steps without falling and laughs the whole time, I restart my heart and then take pride in my strong, brave girl.
It is natural to compare your children. But it is important to celebrate them as individuals. I have to remind myself of this many times a day. Don’t let anything steal your joy as a parent. You’ve worked hard to cultivate these moments of joy and we should hold on to them tightly. Those joyful moments are the ones that carry you through the tough ones. I like to bottle up the positive memories and open them up when I am experiencing especially challenging times. No one can take away your joy but it’s up to you to celebrate it!
