Parents often worry about talking about touch without alarming their children. One way to accomplish this is to talk about touch from a young age without referring to specific body parts. This can start when your child is a toddler playing with others.
Start Early: Introducing the Concept of Boundaries and Good Touch Bad Touch
The first time one child hits, pushes, or takes away a toy, both children need to be told something like, “We don’t touch other people’s bodies, we ask them first.” Then show how this works by saying to the child who was hit or pushed, “Did you want them to touch/hit your body?” If the child says or shakes their head “no”, then say to that child, “Use your words, tell them NO!” Then talk to the ‘offending’ child and ask how it feels to be hit or if the child likes it. You can then make a connection with the first child by saying something like, “Neither does she/he.” Then repeat firmly, “We don’t touch other people’s bodies without asking them.”
The Power of Communication: Encouraging Verbal Expression
Toddlers can understand more language than they can express, but most 15-month-olds can say “no.” This type of exchange needs to take place every single time a child touches another child, even if it is a hug. Children don’t always want to be hugged, so permission to hug must be given too—even to another child. The phrase, “We don’t touch someone’s body without asking first” should become a parental mantra. It takes more time than simply saying, “No hitting.” But it also introduces the idea of bodily integrity at a young age and makes it easier to add the concept of ‘private body parts’ as they get older. It’s less uncomfortable for everyone since the children have been talking about touching only with permission since they were very small. It takes considerable effort to do this consistently, but the effort is well worth it.
Extending Boundaries: Dealing with Extended Family Members
Parents must realize this also applies to adult extended family members too. Especially ones that children don’t know well or don’t see often. Children should never be forced, coaxed, or guilted into giving these adults hugs or kisses. Especially when they don’t want to engage with them. Those adult relatives must learn to ask and accept the answer. My personal response to a ‘no’ when I ask is, “That’s okay if you don’t want to. If you change your mind, you can come and tell me.”
I visited one of my grandchildren who was ambivalent about being hugged or kissed when he was little. I always asked him when I left if I could hug or kiss him. Sometimes he would nod ‘yes’ and other times ‘no.’ One time he simply held out his hand like a king and allowed me to kiss his hand–he felt in control of his body!
Family Futures is here to help you through awkward subjects like talking about touch. If you have a question about how to tackle this subject with your children, email navigation@familyfutures.net.
