October 28, 2022

Creative Ways to Teach Kids to Share

Written by Dr. Sandy Portko, Early Childhood Expertise

Karissa Monzo, Family Support Navigator
Two children learning to share.
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My daughter started kindergarten this year. She was so excited and couldn’t wait to tell me all about her first day. We sat on the couch to talk about her day. She told me about a new friend that wasn’t being very nice to her. I asked why she thought the friend was being mean. My daughter said, “because we were playing animals and I wanted to use the puppy, but she wouldn’t share the puppy.” 

This was the perfect opening to a conversation about how sharing should work. We’re probably all guilty of telling one of our kids to hand over a toy when a sibling or another child wants it, just to avoid a fight. But have you ever stopped to think how unfair that is to the child who is still using that toy?  

Our discussion continued. I asked her why she thought she should get the toy instead of her new friend that was using it. She said, “because I wanted to be the puppy.” So, we jumped right in on how to compromise with her new friend so they could both get a chance to use the puppy next time! 

Sharing is Compromising.

When one child wants a toy that another child is playing with and the child playing with the toy automatically has to give it to the other child, this is not sharing. Sharing is learning to compromise, set boundaries and encourage cooperative play between children.

If a child is actively playing with a toy, we should not expect them to give it up the second another child asks for it. That is disruptive to their play. It makes one child happy, it causes the other child to be upset. 

Think about it as an adult – If you’re actively using your family iPad maybe reading or doing some shopping and your partner comes up to you and asks for the iPad, do you instantly give it over, or do you ask them to wait until you’re finished with your task? You aren’t expected to immediately give up the iPad while you are busy using it, so we shouldn’t expect our children to do the same thing! 

There are many ways that we can encourage sharing and ensure that every child has an opportunity to play with a treasured toy. Here are some tips you can use when you’re faced with this situation:  

Set time limits on the popular toys.

Tell the kids they will each get a set amount of time with the toy. When the timer goes off, they will need to pass the toy to someone else who is waiting for it. Then they can move on to another toy.

If a child asks to use a toy that another child is using, encourage both to work together to come up with a solution.

Something that could be said is, “It looks like this friend is still playing with it right now. When they are done, they can bring it over and you can use it.”

If your child is unsure about sharing their toys during a playdate, allow them to put away any toys they don’t want to share before a friend comes over.

It’s completely fair not to want to share everything. Especially if there is a new toy or an extra special toy. There are some items that as adults we would never lend out. So we can’t expect our kids to share everything. Encourage your child to put those toys in a closet, or a special bin that you can put out of sight for the length of the play date. That way those toys don’t become an issue.

Out of sight, out of mind is the best policy! Also, make sure they understand that toys left out are open for everyone to play with.

Make sure your child knows how to take care of and treat other children’s toys.

Nothing creates more anxiety than watching someone else destroy your stuff.  

Continue to have conversations with your child about the expectations of sharing. We talked about how that experience at school made her feel. This way she could remember to share and take turns with others in the future. She needed to realize just because she wanted the puppy, she wasn’t entitled to it at that time. Her friend was playing with it, and she was allowed to continue to play with it. It was my daughter’s responsibility to find something else to play with and let her new friend know that when and if she was finished playing with the puppy, she would like to play with it next! 

Sharing takes time to learn and takes patience on both sides. Encouragement, praise, and several reminders are what will help our kids learn to share! If you have any questions or need additional tips on this subject, reach out to us at navigation@familyfutures.net.


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