Today’s we’re talking about a common parenting dilemma: when to step in and help your child when they’re struggling to complete a task, and when to stand back and let them figure it out for themselves. We asked our resident early childhood development expert, Sandy Portko, to weigh in! Here’s what she had to say:
Parents want their children to become independent, successful, responsible adults–they also want to help them succeed in achieving these goals. So, the questions for them become “when do I help and when do I stop helping?” The correct answers are unique to every situation, which can be very unsettling!
Break Tasks up into Smaller Steps & Avoid Too Much Repetition
One way to help prepare children to succeed is to break down the skills they want to learn into steps that they can practice one at a time after being shown how to do each one. The task could be brushing their teeth, dressing themselves, making their beds, or tying their shoes. This approach applies to all activities. Let them know it’s okay if they fail at first and it doesn’t have to be perfect. Praise them for their efforts, not the outcome. Give them a chance for a do-over if they want it, but don’t make them repeat the task until it’s “perfect”. Parents sometimes think repetition will motivate children to excel but it often backfires. Children often give up trying because they feel like their actions will never be good enough for their parents.
Instill Confidence in their Developing Abilities
Parents who do everything for their children often have children who don’t want to attempt new activities or set new goals. When parents do everything, their kids usually feel incompetent because they think their parents doubt their abilities. Parents must be aware of their own beliefs and attitudes as well as the personality, beliefs, and attitudes of their children. Some kids will insist on trying something that parents feel the child isn’t ready to do yet. Depending on the age and the activity, the parent may decide to let the child try and fail. If the activity is dangerous, the parent may decide to modify the activity to make it safer. For example, a toddler might insist on going up the high slide and mom is worried about falling. Mom could go up the slide behind him and sit with him to slide down. A school-aged child might want to try out for a team even though he hasn’t played the sport very much. The parents could explain how tryouts work and that some kids might be better at it because they’ve played it before. Parents can offer to practice with the child in preparation while reminding the child that even if child isn’t chosen this time, they can keep practicing together for a later tryout. It helps if parents share their own struggles and failures so kids can see that failing is part of the learning process. Knowing that parents have survived similar disappointments and kept going gives their kids hope.
Teach Children how to Cope with the Consequences of their Choices
Adolescents and their parents face choices that can have more negative outcomes. What do parents do when their high schooler chooses to hang out with friends instead of to study for a test and then asks the parents to call her out for a sick day so she can study for a make up test? Since the consequences are serious but not life-threatening, this would probably be a good opportunity to send the adolescent to school to experience the consequences of the previous night’s choices. Parents who go along with the adolescent’s plan are preventing her from learning a valuable lesson. They may think that they are helping, but they are teaching irresponsibility and setting up expectations her parents will bail her out of trouble in the future.
Trust your Parental Instincts
The ultimate decision may come down to the severity of the consequences of potential failure. If the outcome of not helping is dangerous, then helping is warranted. In such cases, ‘helping’ might be preventing a child from taking part in a certain activity. Being a parent means second-guessing oneself in choices made for one’s children. For some children, the only way they will learn to listen to advice from others, including their parents, is to attempt something, fail at it, and cope with the consequences.
In Summary,
- Avoid too much repetition; it doesn’t have to be perfect!
- Instill confidence in your child’s developing abilities; it’s okay to let kids try and fail!
- If the activity feels unsafe for your child at this time, modify the activity to make it safer (i.e. going down the slide with them) or try explaining to them why it might not be safe and offer alternative activities
- Avoid shaming the child by saying things like “what were you thinking?” and instead focus on the consequences at hand. Invite them to reflect on what happened and how they can be safer and more responsible in the future.
- Overall, if the outcome of not helping is too risky, helping the child is always warranted. Helping might sometimes involve parents removing the child from the activity entirely, and that’s okay too.
What’s important is that you are there as the child’s trusted caregiver to help them cope with the consequences of their decisions, whatever they may be!
Thanks for reading!
We encourage you to use these tips and let us know how it goes! Feel free to send us a message on social media or tag us in your posts with @familyfutures on Instagram or Facebook!
