You’re moving through your day and then it happens… You see the look in your toddler’s eyes, and you instantly realize a tantrum is coming and it is coming fast! Tantrums are emotional, intense, and often difficult to defuse. What are you to do? Give in and avoid the tears, yelling, screaming, and kicking? Run away and ignore it?
While some of these options sound easy, they aren’t helping your child in the long run. When your child has a tantrum, it’s easy to want to avoid the challenging task of managing your own emotions, let alone help a small human manage their emotions.
But, when we do that, we are helping our kids learn how to work through difficult emotions in a calm and safe way. This is a skill that will follow them for the rest of their lives, parents, so let’s do what we can to help them learn skills in this area while they are young. Listed below are some tips to help when you’re faced with tantrums!
Think Ahead
Try to think ahead and notice what places, situations, or people might be a trigger for your child. Do they get overwhelmed with loud noises or lots of people? Are there places that scare your child? I know it’s not realistic to completely avoid these things, but you can give your child a heads up about what is coming.
Tell them in detail about what is going to happen, like saying, “You will get in the car, we will drive to the park, and we will play at the park. I will give you a warning when it’s time to go.” After telling them about going to the park, when you get to the park, remind your child that they will get to play and you will give them a warning when it’s time to leave.
Some children do well with multiple warnings and some do well with one five-minute warning. Do what is best for your child! You can’t cut out all the surprises in your child’s life, but you can minimize stress by giving them a heads-up when you can.
Sooth and Acknowledge Their Feelings
When tantrums are starting, try to soothe your child’s senses and acknowledge their feelings. Water can be especially soothing – give them a warm bath on a cold night or put a cool washcloth on their forehead on a summer afternoon.
For older toddlers (over age 2), finger paints and modeling clay are calming sensory activities.
For younger toddlers (under age 2), it feels good to spread sand, cornmeal, or shaving cream on a play surface.
Talk to your child about why they are starting to get upset but remember toddlers usually can’t change their behavior in response to verbal reasoning, so keep it short and sweet. For now, this exercise will help you empathize with your child. Eventually they will learn to recognize what winds them up before they go over the edge.
Consistency in Parenting
All children need the security and consistency of clear rules, so it is important to set limits. Be firm and consistent as you enforce expectations in your house.
Set Expectations and Rewards
Set realistic expectations and reward your child’s good behavior. Some children need extra time to cope with changes that occur daily (ex: leaving the house, getting in the car, going to a store). Reinforce your child’s efforts with positive messages: “Thank you for getting out of the bathtub when I asked you to” or “You really used your quiet voice when we were at the library today.” Try not to pass up a chance to praise your child. And don’t worry, they won’t get a big head if you praise them!
Remember parents, when your child has a tantrum, they are not giving you a hard time; They are having a hard time. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to a Family Support Navigator at navigation@familyfutures.net if you would like to brainstorm some ideas specific to your child. We would love to be a sounding board and walk alongside you as you navigate tantrums!
